What’s Darker Than a Black Eye? How to Address Domestic Violence 

I imagine a late-night incident involving a bookshelf and some sleepwalking that results in a black eye would send most people running for the makeup concealer and ice packs to try to hide all evidence of the unfortunate event. For some strange reason, I appreciated the new-found edginess that my black eye temporarily contributed to my otherwise blonde, girlish reflection.

In preparation for the onslaught of questions I was anticipating from the masses of people concerned about my well-being, I practiced how I would explain that the black eye was entirely my own fault . I rehearsed jokes in the mirror like, “You should have seen the other guy.”

Finally, I ventured out into the public with my bright purple accessory encompassing my left eye and braced myself for what my fellow grocery goers would say to me. Turns out, they said nothing.

I meandered down the fluorescent-lit aisles, waiting to be approached, but no one said anything. I began to grow frustrated because while my black eye was the result of an innocent, self-inflicted accident, what if it hadn’t been? 

I returned home feeling slightly more uneasy than when I left, but I dismissed the feeling as my expecting too much from complete strangers. I thought my friends would surely react differently. Nope. Some of my friends ignored my black eye with as much indifference as the people in the bread aisle.

Fed up with being ignored, I finally exclaimed, “Are you not going to say anything about my black eye?”

One particular friend confessed, “Honestly, I wasn’t going to say anything because I didn’t know how to ask.”

The lack of open conversation surrounding domestic violence is not from a lack of care, but rather from a lack of education on how to appropriately address it. Though it is often hard and scary to delve into complex topics like domestic abuse, failing to do so comes at the expense of abused women across the nation.

Amid a time when 1 in 4 women are subject to domestic violence, it is safer to assume that every bruise, scratch, or cut derives from a more insidious origin than a clumsy mistake or a minor accident. This is because ignoring the warning signs of domestic violence inadvertently allows the cycle of abuse to continue uninterrupted, which can lead victims into feeling isolated and defeated. Therefore, it is imperative that friends, family, and strangers alike take the time to engage in potentially difficult conversations to uncover the true nature of what might appear to be harmless injuries. 

As with any challenging issue, the first step towards resolution is typically the hardest step. In the case of domestic violence, getting the victim to open up about their experiences is the first step towards getting them the help they need.

Dara Carlin, Domestic Violence & Abuse Examiner, says the best way to get a victim to start talking is not through questions, but by broaching the subject. Carlin suggests discussing recent news articles about domestic abuse. She also encourages people to use Domestic Violence Awareness Month in October as a gateway for the conversation. You could also use statistics or facts about domestic abuse to get conversation rolling.

Once you have started the conversation, here are some tips to keep in mind:

• Seek to understand, not magically solve: Many people’s knee-jerk reaction to hearing that a friend or family member is suffering from abuse is to say, “Why don’t you just leave?” While this piece of advice is well-intentioned, it denies the complicated nature of the issue and leaving can actually place the victim in more danger than they were in previously. Therefore, you should always assume the role of a listener and refer the victim to a professional.

• Take it slow:  It is important to acknowledge that a victim may not have confided in another person before and feel uncertain about how to express what they are going through. Be patient and encouraging with them without being too forceful––conversations like these often take time. 

• Address it in a private setting: Like with most issues, many people feel more comfortable disclosing personal information in a private setting. Therefore, it is best to pull a friend or family member off to the side before asking them questions, or if you are in a public space, try to initiate the conversation quietly and respectfully. 

• Become a resource if possible: One way to provide relief to victims is to get them out of the house. Accompany victims to extracurricular activities. Join them for outdoor walks. Provide them with a support system that exists beyond their home.

• Believe the victim: Not all abusers look scary and malicious on the outside, but that doesn’t mean that they are not capable of inflicting serious damage behind closed doors. Listen to the victims, and do not doubt them when they say someone is dangerous. 

• Offer assurances: Domestic violence does not only affect the body. Victims can suffer from extreme mental health issues and low self-esteem as a byproduct of the trauma they endure. It is helpful to validate their experiences with phrases like “you do not deserve this,” “it is not your fault.” 

• Call the police: If you are a witness to active abuse or violence, do not hesitate to call the police. It could save a life. 

• Whatever you do, do not ignore the warning signs: One of the biggest factors that contributes to the high prevalence of domestic violence is secrecy. It takes an enormous amount of strength to come forward and speak out against one’s abuser, so initiating the conversation for them and allowing victims to speak openly can help ease the process.

National Domestic Violence Hotline can help victims and survivors of domestic violence. Call 1-800-799-7233.