#HersChat: How Should We Handle Venting Overload?

Whether it’s an energy vampire or a constantly supportive friend going through a hard time, what should you say when someone asks you for help when you’re already going through a crisis of your own?

A tweet went viral this week offering a canned template for how to respond in that very situation, and it had the internet completely split.

PS: Someone reached out and asked for an example of how you can respond to someone if you don’t have the space to support them.

I offered this template: pic.twitter.com/lCzDl60Igy

— Melissa A. Fabello, PhD (@fyeahmfabello) November 19, 2019

The tweet was the end of a thread on mental health by user Melissa A. Fabello. In the thread, Fabello praises a friend for asking permission to vent to her about a medical problem.

I want to chat briefly about this text that I received from a friend last week: pic.twitter.com/cfwYx3tJQB

— Melissa A. Fabello, PhD (@fyeahmfabello) November 18, 2019

She then goes on to say that everyone should do this for their friends. She recalled having others unload their emotions on her without warning, which then detrimental her own emotional stability.

Too often, friends unload on me without warning – which not only interrupts whatever I’m working on or going through, but also throws me into a stressful state of crisis mode that is hard to come down from.

Unless it is TRULY an emergency, that’s unfair.

— Melissa A. Fabello, PhD (@fyeahmfabello) November 18, 2019

However, she did acknowledge that friends in a state of crisis should be valued.

Of course, sometimes we are truly in crisis and DO need someone’s attn immediately. Or sometimes we’re so thrown off psychologically that we treat something as a crisis when it isn’t (hi hello I do this all the time).

But generally speaking, we should check in before we unload.

— Melissa A. Fabello, PhD (@fyeahmfabello) November 18, 2019

The thread prompted plenty of internet backlash, many saying the template came off as insincere.

Soooooo treat your friends like a transaction? Yeah no

— Loz♡🎃 (@CatLadyLoz) November 20, 2019

This is… awful, honestly. The idea is fine – we don’t always have space to deal with other people’s stuff on top of our own – but if a friend sent me this message, I’d feel absolutely dreadful. We can’t treat our friends like HR referrals. This is just so cold and impersonal.

— Anwen Kya (@Kyatic) November 19, 2019

if I got this from a friend I would literally never speak to them again

— 🍂🦃 Goth Ms. Thankful 🦃🍂 (@spookperson) November 19, 2019

This reads like corresponding with a professor over office hours, and it’s weird to have a “template“ for interacting with friends

— Felon Tusk (@Felon_Tusk) November 19, 2019

This is a cheap, transactional way to get out of the actual hard work of being honest with friends. Like, this is how I talk to clients in emails, not to loved ones. I get the desire when you’re anxious to have a script, but this aint it.

— 🌛💀Holly Adkins💀🌜 (@tinytelephones) November 19, 2019

After 1 of my worst days last year, a student came to my room when I was ready to go and dumped her existential crisis on me. I was emotionally empty and swamped with work. I sat quietly, listened & offered little in return, but I wonder if she’d be alive if I responded like this

— R. Elkan (@Paingaroo) November 20, 2019

Others approved of the thread, saying that it promoted healthy friendship boundaries.

Hi! Just wanted to let you know, thank you for showing people about setting boundaries. You’ve brought up things that I’ve been failing to do as a good friend, and helped solidify the practices me and several of my very good friends have in place. You rock.

— Ely (@ShoMarq) November 20, 2019

You know, the negative feedback you’re getting to these really simple tips about healthy boundaries speaks volumes about how much we’ve normalized nonconsent and hostility to boundaries in our culture. People see a friend’s simple statement of limits as personal rejection.

— CAREGIVING IS WORK. ✡️☭🌹 (@thespinsterymc) November 20, 2019

Sweet cheeses, folks. A form letter gives you a framework and an example of what points to hit. This outlines:

1. Encouraging/praising reaching out.
2. Answering the damn question.
3. Setting a follow up time.
4. Making sure the person has another avenue.

Pick your own words. pic.twitter.com/dFovNIaCOz

— Erynn Brook (@ErynnBrook) November 20, 2019

the people calling this sociopathic apparently don’t grasp:
A) anxiety, especially fear of disappointing people, and how it affects communication
B) if you’re already carrying a heavy burden, other people dropping theirs onto you is only going to make you collapse under it all

— Janine Sataria 🌺 🔜 MFF (@flaplette) November 19, 2019

to all the people upset by this, it’s kind to care about your friend’s feelings and capacity when you want to talk about something difficult, and its so reassuring to know you’ll be given the same kindness. The ability to say no without hard feelings strengthens all relationships

— Arisprite (@arisprite) November 19, 2019

We want to know your thoughts! Do you think this is a good way to handle emotional overload, or should everyone stay away from friend conversation templates? Reply to us on Twitter using #HersChat with your thoughts!