Quantcast


Favorite

How to Have Fantastic Sex Without Feeling Sexy

By  | 

When you’re struggling with feelings of body dysmorphia, it can be hard to think of your body as a source of sexual pleasure.

People with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in their appearance — a flaw that, to others, may either be minor, not observable or unimportant. Because the person may feel ashamed and anxious about their perceived flaw, they avoid situations where the imperfection could be exposed, including during sex.

Even when your sexuality and your ability to express it is deeply important to you, feeling bad about your body or uncomfortable with how you see yourself in the mirror can make it harder to enjoy that sexual expression. But it doesn’t have to be an either/or, feeling sexy/not feeling sexy paradigm.

1) Recognize and take note of when you feel sexual, even if you don’t feel sexy. You may look in the mirror and think “ugh” but still think “mmm” when you see your partner or that crush. You can feel sexual desire and sexual openness even when you’re not experiencing yourself as sexy.

2) Enjoy feeling desired, even when you don’t feel desirable. If your partner tells you they think you look sexy, believe them! This might be a person you care about. It’s a person you have sex with, and so presumably a person you trust. Hopefully you trust them not only to be honest with you, but also to have your best interests at heart. If this is true, take them at their word.

3) Don’t put the burden of feeling sexy between you and pleasurable sexual play. Sure, it’s nice to feel sexy, but it isn’t essential. If that one feeling is absent, it doesn’t need to stop you from enjoying the pleasure and connection you want. It’s easy to fall the trap of believing that feeling sexy is another expectation you’re not meeting. But that expectation only exists in your head. Give yourself the gift of accepting your own feelings of desire, and being open to the desire of your partner.

 

Overcoming body shame or self-loathing can interfere with you feeling sexy, but it should never prevent you embracing sexual pleasure.

 

Elizabeth Anne Wood

Dr. Elizabeth Anne Wood is a SUNY Chancellors Award-winning Professor of Sociology at Nassau Community College in Garden City, NY. She is also Senior Strategist for Woodhull Freedom Foundation, the nation’s only human rights organization working full time to protect sexual freedom as a fundamental human right. She earned her Ph.D. at Brandeis University in 1999 for a study of gender, power, and social interaction in strip clubs, and has written critically about sexuality and society ever since.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *